I heard we made out
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
