My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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