I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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