Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
