It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
