How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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