Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
