Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
