If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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