Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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