dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
