I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
