She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
