so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
