You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
