Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
