I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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