he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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