Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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