Don't make out with my wife yet
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
