Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
