I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Drunk is not a location!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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