I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
