He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need to calm my uterus...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
