just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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