win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
