mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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