Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The air was thick with penises
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
