3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
