No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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