under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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