When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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