woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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