textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
