You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
