im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
