jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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