Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks