Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
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I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...