Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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