Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
