I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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