She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
