So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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