i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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