You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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