i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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