in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
