I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
