I'm pants shitting drunk right now
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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