Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
