I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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