if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
