i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
