I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
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laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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