my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
