Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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